


Karkat: think about customers ==>

by twofoldAxiom



Series: Dinerstuck [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Gen, I'm Just Bad At Tagging, Not Tagging Everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-01-22
Packaged: 2018-03-08 15:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3213479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twofoldAxiom/pseuds/twofoldAxiom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Karkat Vantas and you are the God Emperor of the Night Kitchen at the Maryam Family Diner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Karkat: think about customers ==>

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you are the God Emperor of the Night Kitchen at the Maryam Family Diner. And it _is_ the night kitchen, according to Alternian Standard Time, which the place runs on even if it’s on a backwater asteroid between Cottlar-4 and Emeria. Some people simply do not understand this, like for example, Dave Strider, he who DJs at the shitty club a couple blocks away.

“You know I’m going to ignore whatever inane bullshit you’re spouting and just give you the fart nibblets and butterbugs again, right?” You grumble, cracking the shells nonchalantly while he tries- as he always tries- to order off the “secret menu”. You have no idea who told him about that. You suspect it’s the unidentifiable hobo colloquially dubbed Hussie.

(He rollerskates in and tips in weird hoofbeast drawings. There’s a whole wall of hoofbeast drawings in the back room. You know Equius likes to spend his break staring at them, and you don’t want to know why.)

“I’m gonna figure out the password eventually.” He says. You roll your eyes and turn your attention to the other customer, one Rose Lalonde, falling asleep on her notes and her skitterer salad. You prod her with a wooden spoon and sigh, pouring more coffee into her cup. Everyone here runs on coffee, you swear.

Speaking of coffee, you mutter a quick string of expletives as the door opens and in comes Sollux, because he orders nothing but coffee and intricate special orders that would make Signless swear worse than you. Comes in at weird times too, though not as weird as Terezi. At least Terezi is bearable, though she has this kind of habit of licking the frosting off her doughnuts instead of actually eating them? Well, you’re in no place to judge that. You suspect it’s her presence, partially aided by the managers and the macabre décor Jade and Aradia bring in (half of which is technically illegal) which keeps the place from devolving into a barfight every time the Felt, the Midnight Crew, and-or the Serkets are in the area. Or when Caliborn is on duty, being that Calliope is the only reason he hasn’t been fired in the last three sweeps.

You’re distracted from your internal monologue by Equius crushing the bell, signalling an order. You pull the little stub of paper off the hook and, yep, it’s Captor Special time. How he stomachs any of this shit is beyond you, but you deal; when he’s being insufferable, you spray his stall with insecticide and watch him flail as his bees start dropping.

Good times.

Not long after you ring the remains of the bell with the Captor special, you hear the door open again and speak of the devil, it _is_ the Serkets: space pirates renowned in several sectors that nonetheless grace the establishment with their dishonourable presence because they know the managers. The captain herself likes to flirt with all three of them, much to her descendants’ dismay. You prepare the booze and flapjacks before they even start picking on Caliborn.

Rose has woken up. Poor girl is having writer’s block and you’ve been brainstorming with her for the past two nights. It hasn’t been helping much. You’re on the edge of an epiphany, you know it, but _some_ people (Dave and Sollux) keep getting in the way of that. She takes a deep gulp of her coffee, levels her gaze with you, and mumbles before falling back asleep. This wouldn’t be the first time this has happened.

Dave’s finished his food and left, so you have a bit of peace before the fun really starts, because it won’t be long before the carapacians show up and start drinking all the soda and eating everything raw: vegetables, meat, crockery, possibly other customers, though you can’t really say you would mind that because the tentacled monstrosity in the corner keeps snapping at you and the whalians exude some kind of noxious gas. You would be okay with HB eating them. Kanaya wouldn’t be, but it’d solve a few of your problems.

There are, of course, the regulars you just can’t fucking stand. Kankri is one of them. Kankri’s your hatchmate, you suppose you’re supposed to hate him platonically, but it wouldn’t exactly kill him to tone down the preaching in your presence. It’s always just before the end of your shift when he shows up, beaten-looking and romantically schmoopy from a night’s long work. At least until someone makes the mistake of asking him _why_ and he goes on a tirade about the evils of buzzword-laden bullshit that you don’t even bother to remember.

There are others, but again, you’re distracted from your internal monologue by three things: The delivery guy, Tavros, and the entrance of the carapacians. You groan and hide the Lucky Fish before any of them can spot the hideous thing, pay Tavros (just in time), hide half the available food, and get ready to start cooking the rest.

There are regulars you don’t hate too, like Feferi and Meenah. Feferi’s sweet and tips everyone well, even Caliborn, and Meenah- well, you _might_ have a little crush on her. You _might_ have had a crush on their ancestor a while ago too, but that was an embarrassing thing from a bygone age. They don’t come often on your shift, but you’re actually pretty happy to fry up their favourites when they do.

John and Mister Egbert, whom you’re not entirely sure what to feel about except they try all the food at least once? Signless says Mister Egbert has been going here since _he_ was in college, which is probably why he brings his descendant here. Humans are delicate enough with their gastric sacks that you don’t think he honestly likes the food, that it’s probably nostalgia that keeps him eating here. John, you’re not sure about. As far as humans you know go, he’s got one made of iron.

That isn’t to say the food is _bad_ of course, and you will readily fight anyone who says otherwise about your cooking, like that food blogger that sometimes shows up- Eridan? Yes, Eridan. You chewed him out for his reviews a while ago and somehow it got through his thick seadweller skull. You wonder sort of cuisine he was expecting to find in a place like this. There are chainsaws with bits of what they last sawed through on the walls after all. But you will not stand for any sort of slander against your culinary skills.

There are Roxy and Nepeta, the girls who run the cat café across the street. A bit annoying, and their place has a bit of a rivalry with this place, but not much of one. Gamzee, he’s weird, but he does balloon animals and comes in the wee hours of the morning to bake the pies. If he stays longer than that, he makes faygo cupcakes that get everyone high and gives them out for free. There are stories about those cupcakes and where they’ve been in the sector.

Jade and Aradia aren’t exactly _regulars_ per se, being that world hoppers tend to be all over the place, that’s part of the job description. They’re always a sight to see though- bringing in skulls, weaponry, jars of dead shit, jars of _live_ shit, and it’s not always legal either but it’s always more than enough to pay for what little they eat while they trade stories and rest up for their next big adventure.

Jane “All of your bacon and eggs” Crocker is only on your unhated list because she trades recipes with you.

You ring the bell again, stacking a mountain of diet pop cans on the counter and a bottle of rum balanced precariously beside the pancakes. Caliborn doesn’t bother with the soda- the carapacians swarm it like it’s a contest, ripping open the cans with their teeth and making you wince at the sight. But he does spit in the rum before taking it and the pancakes to the Serkets. You laugh to yourself when Mindfang notices; she looks him in the eye, takes a swig, and smacks him across the face so hard that he falls flat on his ass. She gives him a tip: Don’t spit in the drinks. Vriska’s laugh feels like shearing metal in your ears.

Caliborn never listens to advice, but at least it means some occasional entertainment for you.

All said though, it’s not always as peaceful as it is tonight. Your name is Karkat Vantas, you have seen some shit on the job, and in a place like the Maryam Family Diner- on the night shift no less- it’s a very colourful variety indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> So yes, due to a conversation on #homestuckstuck and the fact that I'm sick, I'm starting another AU. Will probably not update as regularly as Ships In The Night, but will also probably have more stories. This is just an introductory piece, and from here out I'll be updating with shorts to build up the AU a little more each time. Hope you enjoy!


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